Ron Weasley, The friend zones finest.

Ron Weasley, Chandler Bing, Jim Halpert...What is it that these three fictional characters have in common?? They were once stuck in the dreaded friend zone! Like the different zones of the atmosphere or the ocean, there are different levels of friend zones; And these men were in the deepest abyss one could possibly fathom. The friend zone is a place many have been, but very few have escaped. It's as though the girl is standing there with her staff, screaming, "You shall not pass!" So what makes these three men mentioned above any different than the rest of us miserable kooks locked in the fiery hell hole!? The answer is simple: persistence. They never gave up, and if obstacles got in the way they kept going for it anyway. Not to mention the lovely appearance of being satisfied with their position in life. It's as if they had mastered the art of showing they were fine in the friend zone, when in fact nobody is okay here.
 I don't know what is worse, gollums lifelong thirst for his "precious" or the constant longing to love someone who only sees you as her brother. If anybody has lived this torturous fate long enough to talk about it, it's me. I have been trapped in a tantalizingly terrible tomb, alive, trying to crawl my way out. I've been on date after date and at the end of the night there is no doorstep scene, merely a pat on the back with a cute, "thanks buddy" as a sign of gratitude for my FRIENDSHIP. You may as well stick me in the wizarding world, only to be a squib. Having all the hope of magic, yet the results don't end how you've intended them to.
Similarly to Ron Weasley and Jim Halpert, however, I am a relentless steed. I don't like much, so when I find something that catches my eye it consumes me! I lingered around for 1 year and 7 months...I basically waited for a missionary, but the sister missionary was here the whole time. How degrading. I was like Augustus from  Fault in Our Stars, I may be just a friend to her, but she's not.

Well I am delighted to say that with a lot of patience, persistence, and a swish and flick of the wand...I've done it! I'VE ESCAPED THE FRIENDZONE ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!! I looked death in the eye and chose to live. I finally slithered my way into the spot that before I could only dream of. Discovering the girl of my dreams was child's play. Getting her to discover me, that was a longer journey than I care to admit. So, Ron and Jim, I now know what it feels like to walk in your shoes. I've got to admit, it's glorious and quite worth the wait ladies and gentlemen. 
To all of you young nuggets out there stuck in the clouds of what seems a fantasy, keep going and soldier on buddy, it'll work out one way or another!

Valentine's Day Sax? Mmmhmm

I know some of you with dirty minds look at that title and think I made a typo...however, I said what I meant to say, because that's what John Mayer taught me to do.
As the lovely holiday of Valentines day is coming up, and this is a dating blog, I figured what better opportunity to spread some dating ideas before the big day! Naturally, being the hopeless romantic that I am, I thought of the most elaborate idea I could. It involved elephants, a boat in Venice, and last but not least, a nice bottle of red wine. The only problem is, I don't own any elephants, I'm much too poor to go to Venice and I don't drink. Alas, here I am, back to the drawing board. BAM! I thought of it! If I can't go to Italy I'll make Italy come to me!!!
How does one go about making Italy come to them you may ask? Simple, much more simple than walking into Mordor. You find a girl, a lovely girl. One who has gone to Italy to study the finest cuisine. I knew the perfect woman, my roommates baby girl! So, naturally, I would use him to go on a "double date" and let him know that his sweetest girl would be cooking the food! Perfect idea? I think so. But everyone does Italian food on Valentines day, that, or a disfigured heart shaped pizza from 5 buck.
 So is that really ROMANTIC? Nahhh. I need something more, something spectacular, I need Brian Clancy. If you don't know Brian Clancy you should, he's my other roommate and one of the best lovers to ever walk the earth, next to Ross/Rachel (Friends) and Cory/Topanga (Boy Meets World). Brian has a set of skills, skills that make him a dream for romantics everywhere. Fancy Clancy is a wizard at the Saxophone! What screams sex appeal to a woman more than some sexy sax man!? I reckon nothin'. Maybe a flute. But nonetheless it is still top 2! So I asked him, and he said....YES!!! Brian Clancy is going to play some saxophone while we eat a nice, professionally made, Italian meal. And then to top it all off, maybe send up a few of those floating lanterns? Tangled speaks to people. Who doesn't want to fall in love with a girl who has magic hair? And Flynn Rider! Need I say more!? The perfect romantic night and all I have to do is find a date and show up!

Will I find a date and show up? No. Probably not. Because I seem to like writing about wonderful things rather than making them happen. I figure, heck, I may as well learn to play the flute that night. At least then I can strap on my Bow and Arrows, chill at bus stops, and wow onlookers everywhere I go. Sooo if anybody has a beautiful girl to take on a date for Valentines but is unsure of what to do, Brian Clancy is available and ready to set the mood you desire. Whether you want a ravishing romance or a casual cuddle, he always gets the job done.

Forever alone

Juevos: The sad fate of those without them

What is the number one HARDEST part about getting a girl to go out with you...Getting their number! How miserable is it that the social norm is for guys to do the asking? What if you're a guy, yes, but you have no JUEVOS!!!? You sir are screwed. Because social dynamics suggests that the only way for you to get a girls number is for you(the guy) to ask for it, and if you're not willing to ask for it than become satisfied with the reality of "Forever alone".
Girls I'm with you 100% though, it's not THAT HARD!!! I mean what is the worst she could say to you? No? Big deal. She could of course say" no...because you're an ugly loser with what doctors are calling a little bit of a weight problem." Even then, you're self-esteem is shot, but physically you're totally fine. Nothing to worry about. Unless of course instead of telling you you're ugly she just slaps your face and tells everyone "that creep totally just tried to get my number, I don't even know him". Well no crap you don't know him, that's because when he tried to meet you, you rejected him hardcore.
Flip that scenario upside down and make that man attractive, you've got a whole different story. "O.M.Gosh becky! That hot sack of man meat just totally got my number, #floating" WTF? I'm no expert, but I reckon from the way I've seen things work, that if you got beat with an ugly stick growing up you're sledding uphill pal. Girls will say that confidence is what matters, not looks, but I respectfully claim BULLCRAP. One confident man may ask you for your number and that equals creeper, while another confident man asks for it using the exact same lines and you say Hallelujah I thought you'd never ask!
I'm not saying that every girl is this way and that they are all shallow, and I'm certainly not saying that men are any different. Heck, you've gotta be attracted to the person, let's face it. What I'm saying is that in order to get a girls number, you've gotta ask for it. I never ask for any girls numbers out of fear, and as a result I never get any girls numbers. Due to a lack of numbers and an even larger lack of social skills I have no lady to call my own. Logical reasoning 101. So don't be me, grow a pair and ask for it! If they say no, you've just found out something, you're ugly. But beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, don't give up hope because you got rejected one time! Keep moving forward, because with all the douche-bags snatching up all the babes, "You're the hero Gotham deserves".

Sam the Skunk

I didn't go on any dates this week, because I'm a loser. But I still gotta blog about something so I wrote ya'll a poem about a love story! Let's just say there is definitely someone out there for each of us, we just have to be willing to search for them and be patient. Love and dating is all about finding those people who can accept us for our differences!

Sam the skunk was a very sad boy

he walked the town with a mouth full of soy

he smelled bad enough with the stench from his butt

and pure fear and panic when his tail lifted up

but all sam wanted was a pal to be there

so he looked for a creature with a nose full of hair

he thought this gal should not be afraid

if sams tail slightly raised and a gas had been sprayed

her hairs would protect her from the gaseous stink

and there his friend was, it was madi the mink

now this was a match made for the ages

the joy of these two was truly contageous

when sam would slip up and gas would appear

madi just smiled with no need to fear

these two were perfect, two peas in a pod

sam was so happy he prayed to his god

thank you so much for madi the mink

who stands closely by when i start to stink

as you can tell we've made quite the pair

so i thank you for her and her awesome nose hair

and i only have one more thing left to say

i'll be grateful for her til the end of my day

god had brought madi and madi brought joy

so sam finally spit out his mouthful of soy

he had finally finished the bulk of his plan

from a very sad boy to a happy young man

let us all find a girl like madi the mink

to pick us back up when our hearts start to sink

then let us be grateful and happy each day

and kneel to our father and make sure to pray.