Ron Weasley, The friend zones finest.

Ron Weasley, Chandler Bing, Jim Halpert...What is it that these three fictional characters have in common?? They were once stuck in the dreaded friend zone! Like the different zones of the atmosphere or the ocean, there are different levels of friend zones; And these men were in the deepest abyss one could possibly fathom. The friend zone is a place many have been, but very few have escaped. It's as though the girl is standing there with her staff, screaming, "You shall not pass!" So what makes these three men mentioned above any different than the rest of us miserable kooks locked in the fiery hell hole!? The answer is simple: persistence. They never gave up, and if obstacles got in the way they kept going for it anyway. Not to mention the lovely appearance of being satisfied with their position in life. It's as if they had mastered the art of showing they were fine in the friend zone, when in fact nobody is okay here.
 I don't know what is worse, gollums lifelong thirst for his "precious" or the constant longing to love someone who only sees you as her brother. If anybody has lived this torturous fate long enough to talk about it, it's me. I have been trapped in a tantalizingly terrible tomb, alive, trying to crawl my way out. I've been on date after date and at the end of the night there is no doorstep scene, merely a pat on the back with a cute, "thanks buddy" as a sign of gratitude for my FRIENDSHIP. You may as well stick me in the wizarding world, only to be a squib. Having all the hope of magic, yet the results don't end how you've intended them to.
Similarly to Ron Weasley and Jim Halpert, however, I am a relentless steed. I don't like much, so when I find something that catches my eye it consumes me! I lingered around for 1 year and 7 months...I basically waited for a missionary, but the sister missionary was here the whole time. How degrading. I was like Augustus from  Fault in Our Stars, I may be just a friend to her, but she's not.

Well I am delighted to say that with a lot of patience, persistence, and a swish and flick of the wand...I've done it! I'VE ESCAPED THE FRIENDZONE ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!! I looked death in the eye and chose to live. I finally slithered my way into the spot that before I could only dream of. Discovering the girl of my dreams was child's play. Getting her to discover me, that was a longer journey than I care to admit. So, Ron and Jim, I now know what it feels like to walk in your shoes. I've got to admit, it's glorious and quite worth the wait ladies and gentlemen. 
To all of you young nuggets out there stuck in the clouds of what seems a fantasy, keep going and soldier on buddy, it'll work out one way or another!

Why hike, when you can hike the Y!?

Hiking the Y, what a wonderful date idea ladies and gentlemen! So leading up to this date, I'm not going to lie, I was NOT excited! I HATE blind dates and I haven't been on a date in quite awhile, figured I was quite off my game. Then I remembered, I never had game anyway and my date would have to be blind to want to go with me, this was perfect. So we went to pick them up, I had a final the next day so I was just hoping this wouldn't last long, maybe we could run up the Y? Again, I remembered I'm quite out of shape so that just won't work...And then the exciting part, the meeting of the girls. This can go one of two ways, they could be absolutely gorgeous with great personalities, or they could be psychopathic women with the intent to kill every man in Provo. Luckily for us, they were the beautiful type.
We hiked, and hiked, and hiked and naturally, being a hefty fellow, I sweat as much as I hiked. If any of you have met me, you know that when I breathe I sound like an overgrown orangutan that has been held under water for 5 minutes too long. Let's just say it was a little worse while hiking. I wanted to talk to her, she was perfect, but all I could get out were strange noises that you may hear while listening to Chewbacca. Finally we made it to the top, where we had two genius ideas planned out: Eat warheads so our faces contort into something a long the lines of somebody getting over a potion of poly-juice potion, and hit glow in the dark golf balls off the top of the Y. Two problems, my face seemed to be the only messed up by the extreme sour. Also, the glow in the dark golf balls, didn't exactly glow in the dark so who knows where they ended up. When on dates, first dates especially, always do something that makes you look good. Golfing, for me, does quite the opposite. Which is why I'd like to thank the sun for going down just in time, nobody could tell that I missed the ball and actually just hit the dirt, leaving the golf ball to roll down the mountain somewhere. What's even worse, mine and my amigos dates may as well have been Tiger Woods and company. They hit it like they had hit it a thousand times before.
Finally we head down, and despite how stupid I've looked I've actually really enjoyed myself. There are few times where I go on a date, and really enjoy the date. She's made me laugh and hasn't said anything like, "Wow, you are really out of shape aren't you? You should probably see a doctor before your hypertension sets in." This has gone much better than expected, in fact I've forgotten about that final and I'd much rather stay here. We say goodnight, exchange the necessary hugs and leave. Then we realize something essential, we forgot to get their numbers, one of the few success stories a
nd we blow it in the fourth quarter!!! Did she feel the same way, doubtful. But that remains unknown since her phone number is lost in the wind somewhere, waiting for Rico Suave to come sweep her off her feet. So gentlemen, learn from my mistakes.
1. If you go on a hike, great job! But make sure you aren't physically incapable of such a feat...
2.If you want glow in the dark golf balls, don't put them in glow sticks 3-4 hours before, they won't glow.
3. Last but not least, if you had a good time, GET HER NUMBER!! Or just go home, wallow in self-pity, eat a 24 count of goldfish baggies, and pray that luck will find you down the road.

If you don't follow number three just watch the end of dumb and dumber and realize that's your life.
In the words of the great Harry and Lloyd, "Wow, two lucky guys are going to be driving around with those girls for the next couple of months." "Yeah, we'll catch our break too, we just got to keep our eyes open."

Valentine's Day Sax? Mmmhmm

I know some of you with dirty minds look at that title and think I made a typo...however, I said what I meant to say, because that's what John Mayer taught me to do.
As the lovely holiday of Valentines day is coming up, and this is a dating blog, I figured what better opportunity to spread some dating ideas before the big day! Naturally, being the hopeless romantic that I am, I thought of the most elaborate idea I could. It involved elephants, a boat in Venice, and last but not least, a nice bottle of red wine. The only problem is, I don't own any elephants, I'm much too poor to go to Venice and I don't drink. Alas, here I am, back to the drawing board. BAM! I thought of it! If I can't go to Italy I'll make Italy come to me!!!
How does one go about making Italy come to them you may ask? Simple, much more simple than walking into Mordor. You find a girl, a lovely girl. One who has gone to Italy to study the finest cuisine. I knew the perfect woman, my roommates baby girl! So, naturally, I would use him to go on a "double date" and let him know that his sweetest girl would be cooking the food! Perfect idea? I think so. But everyone does Italian food on Valentines day, that, or a disfigured heart shaped pizza from 5 buck.
 So is that really ROMANTIC? Nahhh. I need something more, something spectacular, I need Brian Clancy. If you don't know Brian Clancy you should, he's my other roommate and one of the best lovers to ever walk the earth, next to Ross/Rachel (Friends) and Cory/Topanga (Boy Meets World). Brian has a set of skills, skills that make him a dream for romantics everywhere. Fancy Clancy is a wizard at the Saxophone! What screams sex appeal to a woman more than some sexy sax man!? I reckon nothin'. Maybe a flute. But nonetheless it is still top 2! So I asked him, and he said....YES!!! Brian Clancy is going to play some saxophone while we eat a nice, professionally made, Italian meal. And then to top it all off, maybe send up a few of those floating lanterns? Tangled speaks to people. Who doesn't want to fall in love with a girl who has magic hair? And Flynn Rider! Need I say more!? The perfect romantic night and all I have to do is find a date and show up!

Will I find a date and show up? No. Probably not. Because I seem to like writing about wonderful things rather than making them happen. I figure, heck, I may as well learn to play the flute that night. At least then I can strap on my Bow and Arrows, chill at bus stops, and wow onlookers everywhere I go. Sooo if anybody has a beautiful girl to take on a date for Valentines but is unsure of what to do, Brian Clancy is available and ready to set the mood you desire. Whether you want a ravishing romance or a casual cuddle, he always gets the job done.

Forever alone

Juevos: The sad fate of those without them

What is the number one HARDEST part about getting a girl to go out with you...Getting their number! How miserable is it that the social norm is for guys to do the asking? What if you're a guy, yes, but you have no JUEVOS!!!? You sir are screwed. Because social dynamics suggests that the only way for you to get a girls number is for you(the guy) to ask for it, and if you're not willing to ask for it than become satisfied with the reality of "Forever alone".
Girls I'm with you 100% though, it's not THAT HARD!!! I mean what is the worst she could say to you? No? Big deal. She could of course say" no...because you're an ugly loser with what doctors are calling a little bit of a weight problem." Even then, you're self-esteem is shot, but physically you're totally fine. Nothing to worry about. Unless of course instead of telling you you're ugly she just slaps your face and tells everyone "that creep totally just tried to get my number, I don't even know him". Well no crap you don't know him, that's because when he tried to meet you, you rejected him hardcore.
Flip that scenario upside down and make that man attractive, you've got a whole different story. "O.M.Gosh becky! That hot sack of man meat just totally got my number, #floating" WTF? I'm no expert, but I reckon from the way I've seen things work, that if you got beat with an ugly stick growing up you're sledding uphill pal. Girls will say that confidence is what matters, not looks, but I respectfully claim BULLCRAP. One confident man may ask you for your number and that equals creeper, while another confident man asks for it using the exact same lines and you say Hallelujah I thought you'd never ask!
I'm not saying that every girl is this way and that they are all shallow, and I'm certainly not saying that men are any different. Heck, you've gotta be attracted to the person, let's face it. What I'm saying is that in order to get a girls number, you've gotta ask for it. I never ask for any girls numbers out of fear, and as a result I never get any girls numbers. Due to a lack of numbers and an even larger lack of social skills I have no lady to call my own. Logical reasoning 101. So don't be me, grow a pair and ask for it! If they say no, you've just found out something, you're ugly. But beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, don't give up hope because you got rejected one time! Keep moving forward, because with all the douche-bags snatching up all the babes, "You're the hero Gotham deserves".

Pepto Bismol, a daters best friend.

It's been awhile since I have blogged. Some may even say it's been over a year, those people would be correct. I know what you're probably thinking, a dating wizard like myself MUST be married by now!! I mean look at me, I go on a date from time to time and I am very creative when I do so. I try to be original with every date by switching it up, every other date is to the Chocolate for Kazookies or Yogurtland for some FroYo!!!! Mmmmm originality. Nothing a girl adores more than a man who shows he's willing to be unhealthy and borderline fattening. It screams, "I'll still love you when you're pregnant AND I'll be there for all your irrational cravings!" Honestly, I feel like this dating strategy is full-proof. All up until that lactose hits my stomach and then I rapidly recall, it's go time!

You're probably thinking to yourself, "I wonder if my date has ever crapped his pants..." Well I'm here to clear something up, I was spooning (little spoon) and sometimes you just gotta roll with it, right? Like that incredibly famous song from Disney's Frozen,"Let it go"  NOOO!!! You've gotta fight that fiery demon with every ounce you've got! Guys we've all been there, sweating bullets trying to think of ways to keep it all inside. You've probably mastered it, but what about the doorstep scene, she hugs you and that tension sends you writhing in pain and anticipation of what's to follow...It's too late, she smells it. You KNOW she smells it, how could she not. It smells like the inside of Hagrids beard. To save yourself the embarrassment you just run, cuz that's not embarrassing. At this point, it's the only reasonable thing left to do. And then you patiently wait for a follow-up text or call. Nothing. All that gas you couldn't hold in is gone and you simply feel empty inside. Girls, we've smelled your farts too so don't act innocent. When we're the only two people in the car and we know WE didn't fart, who do you think you're kidding???
For guys and girls alike I offer three points of advice:
1. Fart right when you pick her up(or he picks you up) and get that awkward social taboo out of the way. Clear the air if you will.
2. DON'T GO TO ANYWHERE WITH LACTOSE AND OR BETOS!!! At least not until you're safe enough friends/lovers where you accept each other for all your spills/slip-ups.
3. Try to think of something original when you go on dates. Do I do that? No. But this is about your success, not my lack of it, so get off my back!

                                                                       GODSPEED.